:: Melody Cafe ::

juunana-sai no koro wa     hayari ni mi wo azukete
KURABU ya asagaeri mo oya no shiranai koto
itsumo ie ni kaeru to
haha wa nakinagara
“Sonnani ie ga kirai ka” to
uragaetta koe de itta
NOOTO no ichiban saigo no PEEJI ni kaita
shourai no yume mo asahaka na mono deshita

juuhachi ni natta koro wa     koi ni koi wo shite
mama-goto no you na kurashi ni unuboreteita
2(futa)tsu toshiue no kare wa
kuchi-GUSE no you ni
“Sonnani kazoku ga suki ka” to
wakaranai koto wo itta
saifu no nakami to shuuden ga owattemo [1]
hikitometekuru kare ga suki de wakareta

juunana-sai no koro wa     jibun wo shiru koto to
yume wo musunde kureta uta ni deatta
chichi wa ureshisou datta
GITAA de utatteta
soremade ni inai kazoku ga
fueta you na ki ga shita
sando no MESHI yori suki ka to kikarete [2]
gaka wo mezashita koto wa o-kurairi ni natta

hatachi ni natta koro wa     yake ni hikanteki de
sore ga ii koto da to kanchigai wo shita
utau koto ga sore hodo
daiji ja naku omoeta
nani wo ittemitemo
usuppera de iya datta
butsukaru mae ni hito wo toozaketeta
uso de hajimeta egao ga itsunomanika shimitsuita

nijuuichi ni natta koro wa     hito ga kanashikatta
doko de oboete kita no ka     yarisugoshigata wo shitteta
sore demo namida ga deru
jibun ga suki datta
migite de fukashiteiru
TABAKO wa kesenakatta
kuroi fuku bakari kononde kiteta
dare no you ni mo naritakunakatta

nijuuni ni natte mitemo     sore hodo kawaru koto wa naku
hitotsu kawatta koto to ieba TABAKO wo yameta
tsuyoku omou koto wa totemo muzukashikute [3]
ima mo mada jibun wo shinjikirezu ni iru

naze ikiteru no     naze ikiteyuku no
nanimo nai kara     nanika ni naritai

When I was 17     I gave myself to fads
My parents didn’t know of my clubbing and staying out all night
Whenever I got home
My mother would say tearfully
“Do you hate our home so much?”
in her quavering voice
The dreams for my future that I wrote
on the very last page of my notebook were also foolish and shallow

When I turned 18     I fell in love with being in love
I was preoccupied with playing house, starting a family
My boyfriend, 2 years older than me
said “You want to have a family that much?”
like it was his favorite phrase,
and spoke of things I didn’t understand
Even after reaching the bottom of my wallet and missing the last train, [1]
I loved him, who tried to keep me in check, so I left him

When I was 19     I met the songs
that wove my self understanding and dreams together
My father seemed happy
I sang and played the guitar
I felt like my family had gotten larger,
when they had not been with me much until then
Asked if I cared more about singing than sustenance [2]
I put my dreams of becoming a painter on hold

When I turned 20     I became deeply pessimistic
I thought, mistakenly, that was for the best
It seemed that singing
wasn’t as important to me as I had thought
I hated that no matter what I tried to say
It seemed so shallow
Before I could clash with anyone, I distanced myself from people
Before I knew it, the smile that started as a lie had become ingrained

When I became 21     I was saddened by people
I knew that I had learned how to try too hard
Even so, I cried
I loved myself
I could not give up smoking
with a cigarette in my right hand
Back then, I wore only black clothes because I preferred them
I didn’t want to become anyone

Even though I’ve turned 22     I haven’t changed that much
One thing that I have changed, is that I quit smoking
It’s very difficult to be mentally strong [3]
Even now, I can’t completely believe in myself

Why am I alive?     Why do I keep on living?
Because I am nothing right now     I want to become something

17歳のころは　流行りに身をあずけて
クラブや朝帰りも親の知らないこと
いつも家に帰ると
母は泣きながら
「そんなに家が嫌いか」と
裏返った声で言った
ノートの一番最後のページに書いた
将来の夢も浅はかなものでした

18になったころは　恋に恋をして
ままごとの様な暮らしにうぬぼれていた
2つ年上の彼は
口グセのように
「そんなに家族が好きか」と
わからないことを言った
財布の中身と終電が終わっても
引き止めてくる彼が好きで別れた

19歳のころは　自分を知ることと
夢を結んでくれた歌に出会った
父は嬉しそうだった
ギターで歌ってた
それまでにいない家族が
増えたような気がした
三度のメシより好きかと聞かれて
画家を目指したことはお蔵入りになった

20歳になったころは　やけに悲観的で
それがいい事だと勘違いをした
歌うことがそれほど
大事じゃなく思えた
何を言ってみても
うすっぺらで嫌だった
ぶつかる前に人を遠ざけてた
嘘で始めた笑顔がいつのまにかしみついた

21になったころは　人が悲しかった
どこで覚えてきたのか　やり過ごし方を知ってた
それでも涙が出る
自分が好きだった
右手でふかしている
タバコは消せなかった
黒い服ばかり好んで着てた
だれのようにもなりたくなかった

22になってみても　それほど変わることはなく
ひとつ変わったことと言えばタバコをやめた
強く思うことはとても難しくて
今もまだ自分を信じきれずにいる

なぜ生きてるの　なぜ生きてゆくの
なにもないから　なにかになりたい